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1

"Fashion"

12 November 1992

Edina ‘Eddy’ Monsoon, wakes up with a hangover and to a guilt trip from her daughter, Saffron, whom Eddy had promised she would stop drinking. Saffron offers her mother no sympathy, despite it being the day of her big fashion show. Edina’s best friend, Patricia ‘Patsy’ Stone, arrives to accompany her to work, after lunch and a trip to Harvey Nichols. By the time they arrive, the guest list is looking pretty bleak: instead of Princess Diana, Princess Anne is coming. Edina rallies to cajole and swindle several celebrities into attendance, turning the show into a rousing success. Following the reception, Patsy and Eddy stop by her office and they drunkenly flashback to the 70’s. When they arrive back at Eddy’s house, Saffy slams the door in her face. The next morning Patsy and Eddy work together to trick Saffy into thinking Eddy is going to check into the Betty Ford Clinic.

Guest stars:Nickolas Grace (Jonny), Lucy Blair (Lou-Lou) 

2

"Fat"

19 November 1992

After realizing that the majority of her clothes no longer fit her, Eddy decides that she needs to lose weight. Ignoring Saffy's advice about eating right and taking exercise, she phones her private doctor in an attempt to get some weight-loss pills. Unsuccessful, Patsy enters and suggests that plastic surgery is the best way to proceed. At the office, Bubble tells Eddy that Penny Caspar-Morse is coming to visit, an old acquaintance who used to be known as "The Stick" and who mocked Eddy for her weight. Eddy tries to exercise, but with Penny coming to town soon, she allows Patsy to schedule an appointment for some liposuction. After a disturbing nightmare about the procedure going awry, Eddy nixes the idea and just decides to cover up as much of herself as she can with a large, long sweatshirt. Patsy enters and tells Eddy some good news: Penny is temporarily blind and won't know how much Eddy weighs. Later, emboldened and drunk, Eddy brags how successful and thin she has become, and inadvertently grabs Penny's hands and places them on her waist, destroying the ruse.

Guest stars: Anthony Asbury (Georgy), Alexandra Bastedo (Penny Caspar-Morse), Russell Kilmister (Surgeon) 

3

"France"

26 November 1992

Eddy is going on holiday to a chateau in the south of France with Patsy, even though neither of them knows any French. After a boozy flight, they drive to Provence and discover that the chateau is actually a rustic cottage. There's no food or wine, and a chainsmoking old Frenchman keeps stopping by to demand, in French "What are you doing here? They're waiting for you at the chateau!" They can't understand him, and Patsy gives him money to make him go away. Saffy arrives a day or two later to rescue them; Bubble comes along because she's supposed to deliver an urgent message concerning Eddy's home decorating business, but she forgets all about it. Days pass: Eddy and Patsy get bombed at a local vintage but also try some quieter pursuits, such as watercolor painting and table tennis, which Patsy enjoys enormously after she refreshes herself with a little cocaine. Bubble suddenly remembers her mission and Eddy panics and rushes homeward. As they prepare to leave the cottage, the old Frenchman stops by and repeats his message to Bubble, who understands perfectly. Later, British Customs detains the whole party when a bag containing white powder is found in Patsy's luggage, but they are freed with a warning when the powder turns out to be 'a perfectly harmless, innocent substance'. Patsy, instead of being relieved, is horrified as she paid a huge amount of money for that substance, and that she enjoyed playing table tennis without being on drugs.

Also appearing: Geoff McGivern (Customs Officer), Juliette Mole (Air Hostess), Robert Ripa (Old Frenchman) 

4

"Iso Tank"

3 December 1992

In the upstairs bathroom, Patsy helps Eddy break in her new isolation tank while Saffy, in the kitchen below, works on a presentation about DNA with several classmates, preparing for herSixth Form College's Open Day. When Patsy and Eddy come downstairs, they hang around talking loudly for so long that Saffy asks her mother why she isn't at work. Eddy explains that her dimwitted secretary, Bubble, has emerged from an occupational hypnotism program mysteriously transformed into a demon of efficiency who works with such dedication that there's nothing to do at the office anymore. When Eddy eventually does go to work, she's proved correct: Bubble strides purposefully about wearing a power suit while Eddy is reduced to paging through a magazine. At home, feeling rejected and useless, Eddy takes a sudden interest in Saffy's DNA presentation and begs to be invited to the Open Day; Saffy, however, refuses point-blank. Eddy throws a tantrum, but it has no effect; she then threatens to adopt a Romanian baby. When Saffy calls her bluff, saying "Go on then!", Eddy phones Bubble and instructs her to send over a selection of Romanian babies so she can pick one out. She then leaves the room and frantically tries to cancel the deal, but it's already too late. Later, Saffy relents and tells Eddy she can come to the Open Day after all. The next day, during the presentation, a woman interrupts and asks for a Mrs. Edina Monsoon. Eddy walks out and returns holding a baby; then more and more babies are brought in until their wails drown everything out. Saffy screams furiously for her mother to leave. Eddy then wakes up in a panic, still in her iso tank, and realises it's all been a dream.

Also appearing: Tricia Aileen (School Secretary), Sidney Cole (Teacher), Lisa Coleman (Joanna), Annabel Hampson (Headmistress), Melanie Jessop (Secretary), James Lance (Daniel), Paul Mark Elliott (Teacher), Adrian Ross-Magenty (James), Tim Woodward (Tony) 

5

"Birthday"

10 December 1992

It is Edina's 40th birthday. She isn't too pleased about it, either, and the surprise party Saffy has planned for her only makes her bad mood worse. Instead of a glamorous affair with fabulous guests and Japanese finger food, as she had hoped, her 40th birthday party turns out to be a family lunch, cooked by Saffy and served in the kitchen. The guest lists consists of: Eddy's two ex-husbands, Justin and Marshall; their new lovers, Bo and Oliver; Gran; Saffy; and Patsy. The birthday girl behaves very badly indeed, oscillating all day between self-pity and spite, and soon she provokes Oliver, her least favourite guest, into making an angry exit. Justin, Marshall, and Bo stoically remain, however, and while Eddy is upstairs getting stoned with Patsy they compare notes about their alimony payments and realise they've both been paying for Eddy's Holland Park house. At the end, while Eddy and Patsy sing drunkenly with a new karaoke machine, Justin and Bo lay whispered plans to cut off Eddy's alimony.

Also appearing: Christopher Ryan (Marshall), Christopher Malcolm (Justin), Gary Beadle (Oliver), Mo Gaffney (Bo) 

6

"Magazine"

17 December 1992

As ‘Executive Fashion Director’ of a magazine, Patsy’s rare appearance at her job requires a map to find her office. When she comes to blows with her models, Patsy tries to persuade Saffron and her grandmother to be subject to a television makeover in their place. She uses the tale of her emotionally distant mother and the dreaded word 'please.'

Also appearing: Eleanor Bron (Patsy's Mother), Dawn French (Kathy). 

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Original airdate

7

"Hospital"

27 January 1994

Patsy's indecent outings with an MP land her on the front page of every tabloid in the country, but if that weren't enough, her age is listed as "47". This prompts her to do some damage control, and leads to an interview with a reporter from 'Hello!' magazine who doesn't even know who Patsy is. Patsy prepares for the interview by improvising a facelift with surgical tape, then discovers the photographer won't be along for some days. Meanwhile, Eddy has a pain in her big toe, and after calling her doctor in Switzerland, she decides to go to a private hospital for surgery. Patsy tags along, planning to get a chemical peel and some eyelid rejuvenation before the Hello! photographer arrives. At the hospital, Edina and Patsy make life hell for the nurses and staff. While anesthetised, Edina dreams that she's on her deathbed and is receiving farewell visits from idealised versions of her family and friends: her daughter, now played byHelena Bonham Carter, has followed in her bacchanal footsteps; her ex-husband Justin – who is now Richard E. Grant – still adores her and only told everyone he was gay because he could never love another woman; her mother is Germaine Greer; and Patsy (Mandy Rice-Davies) tells her how much she envies her good bone structure. Suzi Quatro provides musical accompaniment to this scenario. In an adjoining operating room, Patsy dreams of looking young for her Hello! spread. It's all for naught, though; Edina wakes to find that her toe pains were caused by a stray acupuncture needle which worked its way from her cranium to her toe, and Patsy's skin is burned off her face. On seeing Patsy's face, Edina's mother collapses. As staff from the private hospital respond, Edina points to her mother and calls out "NHS! NHS! NHS!"

Also appearing: Sylvia Anderson (Voice Of Lady Penelope), Helena Bonham Carter ('Saffy'), Orla Brady (Nurse Mary), Llewella Gideon (Nurse), Richard E. Grant ('Justin'), Germaine Greer('Mother'), David Henry (Mr Simpson), Jennifer Piercey (Antonia), Suzi Quatro ('Nurse'), Mandy Rice-Davies ('Patsy') 

8

"Death"

3 February 1994

Edina's father has died. Gran is taking it in stride, Saffron is beside herself in grief, but Edina could not be bothered. Eventually, the reality of the situation hits her: it dawns on her that some day she, Edina, is going to die. The next day, she buys a whole lot of very expensive artwork to "bequeath to the nation". Marshall drops by with his new girlfriend, a self-help therapist who is only too keen on discussing death, until she finds out that the body is to be brought to Edina's living room for the wake. Later, while Eddy is showing Patsy her new artwork, they happen to notice an occupied coffin in the midst of it all, and gaze speculatively at it, wondering "Is it art?" Saffron, completely exasperated by her mother's selfish attitude, bans Edina from the funeral, leaving her and Patsy to get sad and drunk. Edina suddenly decides she wants to go to the cemetery, and she takes Patsy along. At the burial service, Edina stumbles drunkenly into her father's grave and Patsy falls into another open grave close by. No one offers to help, and as the episode ends we see Eddy trying to climb out, then slipping helplessly back into the grave.

Also appearing: Llewella Gideon (Nurse), Gwen Humble (Sondra Lorrance), Ciaran McIntyre (Vicar), Mark Tandy (Mark), Natascha McElhone (Art Gallery Assistant) 

9

"Morocco"

10 February 1994

Edina, Patsy, and Saffron head to Marrakech, in Morocco for various reasons: Edina and Patsy are collaborating on a photo shoot for PopSpecs and are also looking forward to a little Moroccan debauchery; while Saffron hopes to study the indigenous peoples for school. Upon their arrival, Patsy and Eddy go directly to a luxurious villa. There, they meet up with an old friend named Humphrey who introduces himself to Saffy by sexually harassing her. At dinner, it is revealed that Patsy spent a year living as a man until "it fell off," as Edina puts it. The following day, during a shopping trip at an immense outdoor bazaar, Patsy gets fed up with Saffy and sells her into slavery for 2000 dirham. Later, Edina and Patsy venture out into the country for the PopSpecs shoot but end up stranded in the Atlas Mountains, dirty and yearning for creature comforts. After wandering around for a day or two, hopelessly lost, they encounter Saffy (now wearing a burqa and carrying a heavy burden on her head) and are rescued. They spend the last few days of their vacation drugged and unconscious while Saffy has a few adventures on her own – including a honey-and-yoghurt experience involving Yentob (a hotel staffer) that she'd rather her mother knew nothing about.

Also appearing: Harroun Hanif (Yentob), Karim Skalli (Ali), John Wells (Uncle Humphrey) 

10

"New Best Friend"

24 February 1994

Edina is in a hurry to get the house ready for the minimalist tastes of her visiting friend Bettina and husband Max. As a result, Saffron temporarily moves into her University's Halls of Residence and Patsy is pretty much ignored. When Bettina and Max arrive, however, they are no longer minimalist trendsetters but extremely harried parents of a newborn boy. Patsy reaches her limit with Edina's plans and storms out. Edina tries to be patient with her houseguests, but they cause so much havoc in the house that she leaves for a breather. At Joe's Cafe, the estranged friends try to shamelessly one-up each other: Patsy hijacks a lunch with Zandra Rhodes and Britt Ekland, claiming that they all knew each other in their heyday, and Edina forces her client Lulu to have lunch with her. Both lunches bomb miserably. Back home, Saffron returns to find Edina plotting to get rid of Bettina and Max. As Saffron and Gran comfort Bettina later, Edina and Max have a quick fling which can be heard via the baby transmitter in the kitchen! Bettina and Max leave, and it turns out that that was the intended result of Edina's fling. She and Patsy make up after the fact.

Also appearing: Patrick Barlow (Max), Jo Brand (Carmen), Britt Ekland (Herself), Lulu (Herself), Zandra Rhodes (Herself), Miranda Richardson (Bettina), Meera Syal (Suzy) 

11

"Poor"

3 March 1994

Edina finds out that both Marshall and Justin have cut off their alimony payments, thereby leaving her "poor". Dreading lest she be forced to do community service in "urine-stinking old people's homes for the incontinent," she reluctantly agrees to economize. However, a trip with Patsy to the supermarket is more than they bargained for; on the way there, they assault a driver who dares to honk at them, and when they get to the supermarket, they fill three trolleys with groceries and steal a case of champagne. Edina's "smaller" Alfa Romeo car gets clamped outside of Harvey Nichols, and they are later arrested for drunk driving and many other charges. On the day of the trial, Edina tries to justify her actions, but it is all for naught; in addition to a huge fine, she and Patsy are sentenced to community service. Their assignment is to install loft insulation into a senior citizens' home.

Also appearing: Miranda Forbes (Woman In Car), Helena McCarthy (Old Woman), Hugh Ross (Judge), Mark Wing-Davey (Malcolm) 

12

"Birth"

10 March 1994

Patsy causes a fire in the kitchen with a lit cigarette while nodding off. The following day, Edina considers a new look for the kitchen as well as her bedroom. The center of life in the Monsoon house soon shifts to the living room, where Saffron is planning on having a friend over for a study session on the beginnings of life, though it is later clear that she has more erotic plans afoot. Edina and Patsy, who are supposed to go out later, want to hang around for the meeting, but everything changes when Gran accidentally locks all three inside the room. As they are sequestered inside, they exchange stories about their own births: Saffron was supposedly born on a carpet of roses, Edina's birth was sterilized to a fault, and an unwanted Patsy entered the world via her mother's Bohemian hang-out in Paris. Gran reopens the door, and Edina and Patsy leave, relieved. The episode ends with a flashback to Edina planning on giving Saffron up for adoption.

Also appearing: Suzy Aitchison (Nurse), Eleanor Bron (Patsy's Mother), Wolf Christian (Fireman), Philip Franks (Writer), Jane Galloway (Nurse), Mary Mackenzie (Dancer), Mia Soteriou (Guitar Player) 

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13

"Door Handle"

30 March 1995

Eddy has been given a trendy electronic organizer and has used it to plan her entire day in excruciating detail. However, despite a number of hints, she fails to remember her daughter's birthday. Also, Saffy is getting impatient because she has made no move to remodel the kitchen, which was destroyed by fire some time ago. In fact, she has not even chosen a design. Later that day, she remembers a doorhandle she quite liked – in New York City. She and Patsy take the Concorde and enjoy a grand day out; Eddy finds and photographs the doorhandle and has her navel pierced. When they get home late that night, they fail to notice for some time that Saffy has remodeled the kitchen in their absence. When Saffron confronts her mother about forgetting her birthday, Edina exclains that she "gave (Saffron) her birthday."
 

14

"Happy New Year"

6 April 1995

Eddy and Patsy plan a fabulous New Years Eve party, but their plans are ruined when Patsy's long-lost sister Jackie pays a call while they are preparing to go out. Jackie is an older, crueller version of Patsy, and soon everyone dislikes her except Patsy, who is starstruck by her fabulous life of debauchery. Patsy insists on taking her sister to the party; Jackie, however, seems reluctant to leave the house, and it disturbs Patsy when she asks for food and claims to be too tired to go out. Worse is to come: Jackie then confides that she is homeless and wants to stay with Eddy for a few months until she can raise money for a shelter for unwanted cats and dogs. Patsy, appalled, helps Jackie loot Edina's bedroom to raise the necessary funds, then brusquely shows her out. She then hurries to collect Edina and head for the party, but it's too late. For the first time in her adult life, Eddy faces the supreme humiliation of seeing in the New Year surrounded by her family in the sitting room.

Also appearing: Gary Beadle (Oliver), Rebecca Front (Cherysh), Kate O'Mara (Jackie) 

15

"Sex"

20 April 1995

A discussion on enlarging Edina's bedroom leads to a rare visit inside Serge's bedroom. While looking around, Saffron discovers a porn magazine and tries to throw it away, but Edina and Patsy prevent her. Patsy then begins reminiscing about their youthful orgies, but Eddy can't remember them, even though Patsy assures her she was there. The talk then turns to Edina's lack of sexual activity, and plans are made to hire male prostitutes via Edina's hairdresser Christopher for an old-fashioned orgy, which is scheduled for the same night as Saffron's "Genetics and Ethics" presentation at her university. The orgy doesn't start off well; Edina can't seem to get in the mood, and the prostitutes are none too enthusiastic either. When Patsy tries to liven things up by popping in a porn film she has brought, it turns out to be Saffron's genetics video. Fearing the worst, Edina and Patsy, accompanied by Gran, Christopher, and his drag-queen boyfriend, rush off to the university, but it is too late: to Saffron's mortification the porn video – a home movie of one of the orgies Patsy remembers but Edina has forgotten – is already playing. As everyone watches, the camera pans over various intertwined couples to reveal a young Edina asleep in a corner next to a bag of crisps.

Also appearing: James Dreyfus (Christopher), Idris Elba (Hilton), Ian Gelder (David), Andrew Loudon (Geoff), Ben Soames (Boy), Caroline Waldron (Caroline), Lee Walters (Boy) 

16

"Jealous"

27 April 1995

Edina is hell-bent on winning a PR award to the point that she hires Will Self to write her acceptance speech and jockeys with arch-rival Claudia Bing for the best position in proximity to the stage. It's all for naught; despite Edina bribing the judges Claudia wins, and Edina and Patsy head home in anger. Saffron and Gerard, one of her professors, are navigating an intense but reticent flirtation in the kitchen. Edina has bigger fish to fry, though: she wants to come up with a campaign that will out-do Claudia's. Saffron finds out that Gerard is married with children. Edina hears about this and, in a rare defense of her daughter's honor, punches him in the face. At a PR meeting, Edina's speech is accidentally trashed, so she launches into a diatribe that proves to be quite successful. Edina and Patsy visit the dump to find the speech, but wind up on a trash barge headed for Ostend.

Also appearing: Joanna Bowen (Journalist), Naomi Campbell (Herself), Celia Imrie (Claudia), Paul Reynolds (Squeak), Peter Richardson (Tony), Simon Stokes (Gerard) 

17

"Fear"

4 May 1995

Saffron has moved out of the house and into university housing, leaving a despondent Edina home alone. Meanwhile, Patsy learns that Ella magazine has folded, and Magda suggests that she go with her to work in New York. Edina and Patsy commiserate drunkenly with each other on the sudden changes in their lives. Saffron returns and is appalled at their behavior. Edina announces that she plans to sell the house and "find herself", which annoys Saffron to the point where she storms out. Edina's plans also mean that she's cutting off Patsy, which prompts the latter to take the job in New York, thereby putting their relationship on hiatus.

Also appearing: John Hudson (Lecturer), Caroline Waldron (Caroline), Lulu (Herself) 

18

"The End"

11 May 1995

Edina embarks on finding herself, only to realize that it's well below her expectations. Patsy finds herself lost, lonely and out of depth in New York. Saffron settles into university life and Gran spends her days at the Monsoon house, drinking champagne and watching home-shopping television. Edina and Patsy realise that their lives are nothing without each other, and reunite atop a New York skyscraper. Their anticlimactic return home is greeted with Gran being arrested for squatting and Saffron finally putting her foot down. The episode ends with a flash-forward to Edina and Patsy, 25 years older but not much wiser.

Also appearing: Kevin Allen (Ben), Suzanne Bertish (Gina), Max Brant (Mitchel Friedman), Sean Chapman (Santé), Daniela Denby-Ashe (Saffy's Daughter), Drew Eliot (Justice Of The Peace),Josie Lawrence (Cable TV Presenter), Danny Newman (Saffy's Son), Rupert Penry-Jones (Boy At Party), Mossie Smith (Diane), Ruby Wax (Candy) 

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19

"The Last Shout I"

6 November 1996

Edina's morning ritual is swimming with a dolphin that she has in a tank in her room. They are off to Val-d'Isère that afternoon, so Patsy and she spend the morning at the gym and the office, while we listen to an interview to Edina recorded for Radio 4, Desert Island Discs. Meanwhile, Paolo, Saffy's Italian boyfriend, proposes marriage. Patsy and Edina arrive at the Alps, but it is not what they expected as there are no celebrities and no night clubs that meet their approval. After dinner at a local restaurant, Patsy and Edina are back in the apart-hotel where they have a row regarding how they have always been together in the present life and the previous ones. A flashback shows them as siamese sisters in a 'freaks' circus. In a rage they start destroying the apartment, which they soon after start to enjoy In the morning, with better mood, Edina spends the day skiing, but she gets lost and almost sails off a cliff. She "dreams" going to heaven, but God tells her it is not her time yet. Meanwhile, in London, Mrs Monsoon returns home after spending the day at the airport where she had gone to meet arriving friends. However, she explains she instead got into a plane that didn't take off, she got registered, and her suitcase was blown up. She had met at the airport a woman dressed as an Arab who brings her home: it happens to be Bo.

Also appearing: Marcella Detroit (Angel), Marianne Faithfull (God), Tom Hollander (Paolo) 

20

"The Last Shout II"

7 November 1996

Patsy and Edina return from Val-d'Isère to find Mrs Monsoon's madcap American friends have effectively moved in to her house. Edina lies in bed for three days claiming to have stigmatas, though they are actually painted on with lipstick. Saffron, busy preparing the wedding, has row over Edina's claims of being Jesus Christ. When Edina realises that Paolo's parents are rich, she finally shows enthusiasm for the upcoming celebration. Saffy remains smitten with Paolo who is a womanising cad and not really interested in her. Paolo's parents come to visit and the mother decides that Saffron is not good enough, but Patsy makes her change her mind, blackmailing her with their common past as "actresses" in a pornographic "Bond" movie (actuallyBond Meets Black Emanuelle). Edina chooses St Columba's in Knightsbridge for the ceremony and takes Saffy to Christian Lacroix who designs the wedding dress. The wedding ceremony commences. Eddy pushes Sarah aside and replaces her with "the Gucci girl." When the priest asks if there are any objections, Edina sees God again, who stands by the priest and shakes her head to the marriage. Eddy shouts "No!". A blase Paolo calmly leaves with the girl from Gucci. Later Patsy, Eddy and Saffy reconvene in the kitchen in a new show of solidarity, until Eddy and Patsy suddenly leave as they are taking Saffy's Honeymoon trip.

Also appearing: Gary Beadle (Oliver), Christopher Biggins (Himself), Dora Bryan (Millie), Connor Burrowes (Choirboy), Nickey Clarke (Himself), Marcella Detroit (Angel), Ed Devereaux (Mac),Carmen du Sautoy (Kalishia), Marianne Faithfull (God), Georgina Grenville (Gucci Girl), Candida Gubbins (Shop Assistant), Tom Hollander (Paolo), Christian Lacroix (Himself), Calum Macleod(Vicar), Suzy Menkes (Herself), Bruce Oldfield (Himself), Alan Talbot (Carlo) 

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21

"Parralox"

31 August 2001

Edina's due to appear on Richard and Judy in the morning and an invitation to Trudi and Sting's can't be far behind. Luckily, Patsy has just the thing to iron out those wrinkles.
Also appearing: Bob Barrett (Labour Party Man), Tilly Blackwood (Lady Candy), Twiggy (Herself), Lady Victoria Hervey (Herself), Michael Greco (Himself), Stephen Gately (Himself), Richard Madeley (Himself), Judy Finnigan (Herself)

Viewers: 8.28 million 

22

"Fish Farm"

7 September 2001

After attending a Marilyn Manson concert, Edina and Patsy bemoan the fact that many of their rock idols have gone domestic, especially with Roger Daltrey running a "fish farm". Edina wakes up the next day to discover that Saffy has hired a gardener to landscape their garden. Patsy recognizes the gardener, Jago Balfour (Crispin Bonham-Carter), as the brother of one of her old drug buddies who died of an overdose. She also recalls that they are both from an aristocratic family with an estate in the country. Edina then sets off to seduce the young gardener. After a night of debauchery, Jago tells Edina that his brother sniffed and smoked the family fortune away, forcing him to sell the estate to Roger Daltrey as a fish farm, much to the dismay of Edina and Patsy.
Also appearing: Crispin Bonham-Carter (Jago Balfour), Tim Wylton (Brice)

Viewers: 7.59 million 

23

"Paris"

14 September 2001

Edina is set to appear in a mother/daughter fashion spread to be shot in Paris for a glam magazine; after she fails to secure Chloë Sevigny, Kate Beckinsdale, or Liv Tyler to portray her daughter, she faces the realization that Saffy will have to do. Patsy is also invited for a shoot with "face of the moment" Erin O'Connor as her fashion "daughter." After a quarrelsome ride on the Eurostar, the group arrives in Paris, where it turns out that fashion photographer Rimmer plans a generation-spanning neo-punk group fashion spread, to Patsy's dismay. After a quarrel between Edina and Saffy, the previously guidebook-bound Saf agrees to do Paris Eddy's way. The pair shop, dine at fancy eateries - where Edina is shocked and delighted to learn that Saffy speaks fluent French - and head to the Eiffel Tower to complete a tradition Edina and Patsy would do every year in Paris: flash their breasts at the world. However, Edina uses the occasion to trick Saffy into appear in print topless, where she becomes in high demand.

This episode of Absolutely Fabulous caused interest in the United Kingdom, due to a comment about the Taliban 3 days after the September 11 Terrorist Attacks in New York. It was hastily deleted from the BBC broadcast version but the original version was included on the DVD release.

Also appearing: Dave Gorman (Rimmer, the Photographer), Sacha Distel (Himself), Christian Lacroix (Himself)

Viewers: 7.47 million 

24

"Donkey"

21 September 2001

Edina becomes inspired by "Sex and the City" but she is prompted to again battle the bulge when she realises she is not the Sarah Jessica Parker of the group, but rather the "donkey". Edina decides to tackle her weight and enrolls in a boot camp-style exercise course. Saffron disapproves of her methods, as is her wont. Edina has a dream where God and the Devil are arguing about her. Later, an argument with Saffron inadvertently reveals that the exercises are working. A svelter Edina meets up with her friends again, but is shocked to learn from Katy that despite her weight loss, she's "still too fat" to be the Sarah Jessica Parker of the group. Throughout the story Edina records her confessionals on video.

Also appearing: Tilly Blackwood (Lady Candy), Andrea Gillie (Patsy's PA), Jessica Wilcocks (Minge), Julian Rhind-Tutt (Taylor Johns), Marianne Faithfull (God), Anita Pallenberg (The Devil)

Viewers: 7.34 million 

25

"Small Opening"

28 September 2001

At home, Edina and Patsy organising their drugs. They suddenly hear a buzzing sound, which Patsy mistakes for a bee. It turns out to be Edina's mobile phone, and when she answers, she thinks that it's Serge calling out for help. The police are summoned, and Saffron comes home to find Edina in a state of shock, but the police can't do a thing. It is then revealed that the phone accidentally picked up rehearsals for Saffron's play, "Self Raising Flower", which details her life and paints Edina and Patsy in the most unflattering of lights. On the day of the premiere, Justin, Bo, Gran, and Marshall drop by to wish good luck to Saffron, at the expense of Edina. Saffron extends an olive branch of sorts by leaving a ticket for her mother; she is loath to attend, but eventually she and Patsy do go. The play goes over well, not the pitiful domestic tragedy Saffy intended, but rather as a comedy. At the end, the cast welcome the real Edina and Patsy on stage with them, leaving Saffron in the audience, her face buried in her hands. The next day, the girl who plays Saffron is so smitten with the real one that she offers her flowers, making Saffy distinctly nervous.

Also appearing: Christopher Ryan (Marshall), Melanie Jessop (Policewoman), Tilly Blackwood (Lady Candy), Josh Neale (Actor), Miles Western (Actor), Emma Pierson (Actress), Lill Roughley(Actress)

Viewers: 7.44 million 

26

"Menopause"

5 October 2001

Edina's career is over. Bubble accidentally forwarded all the private information of Edina's upcoming gigs to everyone in her address book including arch-rival Claudia Bing, who has sopped up a substantial amount of her jobs, including that of getting work for Twiggy. Meanwhile, Patsy breaks her arm just above her wrist. Saffron reluctantly takes her to her doctor, and comes back with shocking news: Patsy has both osteoporosis and the lowest bone density on record. Saffron concludes that it's symptomatic of menopause, the very mention of which sends Edina and Patsy in a state of shock. Saffron organizes a meeting of a local menopausal support group in the living room, while Edina provides bin liners to prevent the guests from accidentally urinating on the furniture. Later, Saffron bakes a pie and has a horrid nightmare where Patsy is a happy homemaker-type, even more annoying to Saffron than otherwise. Patsy drops the bombshell that she plans to have a baby! She bought Mick Jagger's sperm at an auction and plans to implant it inside herself unless Saffron allows Patsy to use the spare room.

Also appearing: Twiggy (Herself), Ruby Wax.

Viewers: 6.64 million 

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27

"Gay"
"Ab Fab: New York"

27 December 2002

Upon returning home from London Fashion Week activities, Edina bemoans the fact that her son is not in her life. During a visit from Bo and Marshall, it is inadvertently revealed that Serge is gay and living in New York, and that Marshall has "gay feelings", which he soon explores much to Bo's dismay. Against Saffron's wishes, Edina uses her upcoming trip to New York for theirfashion week as a chance to reconnect with her son. With Patsy in tow, they hunt down information on Serge at an LGBT community center. A counselor, Goldie spots them and in exchange for the information, Patsy and Edina get "married". Edina finally hunts down Serge, and is shocked to learn that her son is virtually a male equivalent of Saffron who works in a bookstore. While Serge is dismayed that she views gays as nothing more than fashionable accessories, his partner, Martin, takes a shine to Edina. The reunited mother and son, along with Patsy and Martin, hit New York's Fashion Week with a vengeance. Edina and Patsy conclude their romp by accidentally setting a biker bar on fire and getting arrested. When they arrive home, Edina and Saffron sort of make up, and it is revealed that Edina has disowned Serge in favor of Martin, whom she has "adopted".

Co starring Whoopi Goldberg, Deborah Harry (Herself), Graham Norton (Himself), Rufus Wainwright (Himself), and Josh Hamilton (Serge).

Viewers: 8.68 million 

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28

"Cleanin'"

17 October 2003

Edina's home is a mess, and she has done some more remodeling as usual. The changes include a pool in her bathroom, and a shower that washes and buffs her like a car wash. Her new client Emma Bunton comes by to discuss new jobs. It turns out Saffy was Emma's head girl at school, and also knows that Saffy would be disturbed by Edina's squalid house. When they realize that Saffy is coming home that day from volunteer work in Africa, Emma urges everyone to clean up. Patsy gets obsessively involved in organizing a drawer full of odds and ends. When Saffy arrives, Edina taunts Saffy for becoming fat and fulfilling her "genetic fate." Saffy informs her that she's not fat, she's pregnant. Edina tells Saffy that she should tell people that she is pregnant right away lest anyone think she is fat.

Guest stars Emma Bunton (Herself)

Viewers: 7.69 million 

29

"Book Clubbin'"

24 October 2003

Edina has a nightmare about Saffy's baby trying to stab her. It turns out that the face of the nightmare baby belongs to Saffy's midwife, who delights in teasing Edina about these nightmares. Edina expresses her displeasure about this baby. Saffy invites the father of the baby to the house to tell him she is pregnant. In the meantime, Edina and Patsy has organized a book club, but no one is interested in reading any books except celebrity gossip magazines. When Edina discovers that John Johnson, the father of Saffy's baby is black, she is overjoyed, because a mixed-race baby is the greatest accessory, the "Chanel of babies." When Saffy tells John that she is pregnant, he replies that she should tell people that she is pregnant right away lest anyone think she is fat.

Guest stars Mariella Frostrup (Herself), Jeanette Krankie (Midwife), Kristin Scott Thomas (Plum)

Viewers: 7.87 million 

30

"Panickin'"

31 October 2003

Edina builds a panic room. Patsy is at her shop, Jeremy's, when Minnie Driver walks in. Minnie complains about not scoring any free stuff from other shops at Bond Street, and takes pictures of herself shopping to sell to the paparazzi. Patsy is determined to become Minnie's stylist, so she later invites Minnie to Edina's house. She has gathered racks of designer outfits with which to dress Minnie. When Minnie wants a necklace that Edina is wearing, Patsy wrestles Edina for it, and they accidentally get shut in the panic room. They believe they will be unable to escape for days because Patsy panicked and punched wrong codes into the keypad. While they are locked in, they play Trivial Pursuit over the intercom and camera with Saffy. They also discover that Minnie Driver has made off with all the designer clothes. At the end Pasty and Eddy discover they were only locked in for a couple of hours not days as they thought.

Guest stars Minnie Driver (Herself)

Viewers: 6.15 million 

31

"Huntin' Shootin' & Fishin'"

7 November 2003

Edina begins an ad campaign for Prince Charles' biscuits, and claims that it is "by royal appointment." Consequently, she begins to associate with the moneyed socialite crowd, and buys a weekend at a country house hotel at a Tatler auction. Saffy typically disapproves of Edina's plans to go game hunting for sport. Upon arrival, Patsy and Edina discover that nothing is in season, and the place doesn't even have any jacuzzis or massages. So they content themselves with horseback riding and clay pigeon shooting. Patsy tells Edina that the Rothschilds were laughing at her. Edina becomes angry and determines that she will kill something, and goes out with Patsy with guns blazing in the middle of the night. They bring back to the hotel a pheasant, which Edina puts in the closet. In the morning they discover that the pheasant is still alive. Patsy screams at Edina to pull its neck, but Edina bonds with it, and later drugs it and releases it intoHyde Park. At home, Emma Bunton and Sarah bring gifts to Saffy for a baby shower, and Sarah becomes obsessed with Emma. Sarah stalks Emma, and Saffy eventually calls the police and has Sarah arrested.

Guest star: Emma Bunton (herself), Clarissa Dickson Wright (Gamekeeper)

Viewers: 7.02 million 

32

"Birthin'"

14 November 2003

Saffy is preparing her home birth kit. She's due to have the baby anytime, and she wants to have it at home. Mrs. M. offers some "help." This night finds Patsy being the hostess of the Style Awards at the Royal Albert Hall, and she arrives wearing a very expensive, one-off Hookie Mookie made of silkworm saliva. Edina helps Patsy rehearse her speech, but Saffy keeps interjecting insults. Soon Katy Grin, Bo, and Marshall arrive. Katy enthusiastically talks about her work in the musical "Chicago." Bo and Marshall talk about their Christian Family Creation adoption service, which is a service for busy Hollywood actresses who have no time or desire for pregnancy. Saffy is overcome with discomfort just as Patsy is leaving for the Style Awards, and there's a shoving match to get up the stairs. Saffy's water breaks, spewing a flood of baby juice all over Patsy's expensive clothing. Mrs. M. attempts to save the Hookie Mookie, but she accidentally burns the garment with an iron. Saffy retreats to her bedroom with contractions. In a rare moment of support for her daughter, Edina tells Patsy she won't be able to go to the awards show. Mrs. M. runs to go get forceps, and Katy Grin sneakily makes a phone call to say she can fill in for Patsy at the awards show. John and Justin next arrive to the house, and Edina unsuccessfully tries to scandalize her ex-husband by telling John that Justin is gay. Bo gets drunk and develops a plot to snatch the baby for the adoption service. Justin and John go to change the hot water settings, but they accidentally knock out the house's power. Patsy tries on some of Eddy's clothes, but is a laughing stock. Katy takes that as her cue to run off to be the awards show's hostess. Eddy protects her daughter from Bo and Marshall's baby snatching scheme, but the scorned Patsy decides to help Bo and Marshall get the baby. Saffy eventually gives birth to a healthy baby girl. She and John name the baby "Jane," but Edina prefers the name "Lola." Bo and Marshall run from the house thinking they've taken the baby, but they've mistakenly grabbed the placenta.

Viewers: 7.19 million 

33

"Schmoozin'"

28 November 2003

Edina's 'new' boyfriend Pete is a tape engineer who used to work at Abbey Road Studios during the time that The Beatles worked there, and who had found some unreleased tapes there. In the number two studio, the girls have a ball and Edina sings her 'walking down the road' song she's composed in earlier episodes. We see one of their infamous hallucinatory sixties flashbacks in which Patsy is a man and they are present for the recording of Sgt. Pepper's. Back at home, Elton John had been invited to the party to debut the Beatles tapes, but gets annoyed and leaves when he discovers he was only invited to play piano in the background. Finally, just after proposing marriage to Edina, Pete plays the tapes at the party. Instead of The Beatles, we hear Edina singing. Apparently this is because Patsy had pressed the record button in the studio by mistake on the reel-to-reel recorder whilst she was looking for a second bottle of champagne in the control room, and Edina unknowingly sang over the tapes. After realising they're lost forever, Pete promptly collapses on the floor. The episode ends with Edina announcing she's off to New York because Yoko Ono wants her to record an album.

Guest stars Elton John (himself), Robert Lindsay (Pete)

Viewers: 5.22 million 

34

"Exploitin'"

5 December 2003

Patsy has booked Saffy's baby Jane (Lola) for a photo shoot with Jean-Paul Gaultier. Gran usually babysits Jane on Thursdays, so that Saffy can go out with John. But Gran does not come this Thursday, because Edina has banned her from the house. So Saffy and John are stuck at home, and Patsy can not take the baby to the photo shoot. Patsy and Edina prey on Saffy's insecurities and tell her that John will lose interest in her, and Saffy bursts out crying and asks Edina to please watch Jane while she goes out with John. Patsy and Edina take Jane to the photo shoot at the zoo, and leave a note for Saffy. When they return, Saffy is incensed that they took Jane out, but is mollified when Edina insists that she bonded with Jane. When Edina hands the baby to Saffy, they discover that they brought home the wrong baby.

Guest stars Jean-Paul Gaultier (himself) Perou (himself)

Viewers: 5.86 million 

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35

"Drinkin'"
"Cold Turkey"

24 December 2003

For the first time ever, Edina has agreed to stay home and spend Christmas with the family. Edina typically goes overboard by buying a huge tree and tons of gifts. Patsy is very upset that she cannot go away with Edina as they do every year, as she hates Christmas. Patsy has a flashback of unpleasant Christmas memories of her childhood. Someone somewhere sticks a pin in a Patsy voodoo doll, and she collapses in pain beneath the Christmas tree. Although Edina and Saffy ignore her, John insists that Patsy needs to go to the hospital. Once at the hospital, the doctors tell Edina that Patsy is very sick and indicates that she may die. Edina and Saffy return to the house to continue their Christmas celebration. In the middle of the night, Patsy's estranged sister Jackie arrives to visit her. The following day, Edina and Saffron drop by only to learn from a nurse that "Miss Stone" died, only the one in question turns out to be Jackie, not Patsy. At Christmas lunch, Patsy shocks everyone by asking for a slice of turkey. She manages to eat it, but over three decades of not eating solid foods finally catch up to her, and she chokes on it.

Guest stars Kate O'Mara (Jackie), Eleanor Bron (Patsy's mother)

Viewers: 6.91 million 

36

"White Box"

25 December 2004

Edina decides to remodel the kitchen again, and calls up her friends Bettina and Max. A lot has changed since we last saw them. Now divorced, Bettina is clinically insane and Max is gay. Bettina transforms the kitchen into a stairless white box, but even Edina hates it. Patsy, meanwhile, develops serious health problems and walks around with an IV stand. Saffron returns from her wedding to John in Kenya and reveals that he is a polygamist. Edina and Patsy head off to meet designers Terence Conran and Kunz for inspiration. At Kunz's store, Edina claims to have seen her ideal kitchen in a previous life, so she hires a channeler. What results is a channelling that causes so much disruption in the household that Saffron and Edina argue once again, and Edina winds up assaulting baby Jane. Saffron has finally reached her breaking point, and kicks Edina and Patsy out of the house, which is in her name. Edina and Patsy convalesce in the stylish window display of Terence Conran's Shop, thus ending the series.

Guest stars Patrick Barlow (Max), Miranda Richardson (Bettina), Laurie Metcalf (Therapist), Nathan Lane (Kunz), Miranda Hart (Yoko).

Viewers: 6.34 million 

N/A

"Comic Relief Special"

11 March 2005

Edina and Patsy reluctantly accompany Emma Bunton to the taping of Comic Relief at the BBC Television Centre. Inside, a member of the production staff can't find Emma's name on the list of presenters, prompting Edina to suggest they check again under Queen Noor or Lulu. Ensconced in a dressing room, Emma and Edina bicker when Edina insists that the point of Emma's participation should be to gain greater exposure for herself. Edina urges Emma to lobby director and Comic Relief founder Richard Curtis for a role in one of his films. When Richard visits the dressing room to apologise for Emma having been left off the list, Edina and Patsy fail to recognise him and ask him to fetch Richard straightaway. Emma angrily writes a check to the charity and storms off. When the production staffer returns to collect Emma (now scheduled to appear after Graham Norton), Edina and Patsy first conceal (in the dressing room) and then loudly acknowledge (on-stage, live, during the Comic Relief special) Emma's departure. While Patsy is struck by stage fright (in a direct reference to her disastrous appearance in a morning news program in season 1's "Magazine"), Edina attempts a song. Once Patsy wets herself, both are quickly shooed from the stage by a horrified Graham.

Guest stars Emma Bunton (herself), Richard Curtis (himself), Graham Norton (himself), Miranda Hart (production staffer).